New Year, New Me?

I need to change. I won't be happy with myself if I don't. Things like exercising and changing my diet will be a piece of cake compared to the one thing I need to do for my emotional well being. I have to let go. I keep saying that I'm over it, mostly out of anger and jealousy. But I have yet to actually let go. There is a part of me that is terrified that if I let go, I'll be losing out on something wonderful. However, I can't just sit around waiting for someone to "come to their senses". I let go off one love, and things couldn't be better between us (well I guess he could have chosen me and I wouldn't be having to worry about this other guy but you know what I mean).  I need to find a way to do the same with this guy, he seems happy. I should let go, and let myself be happy for once. 

I'm So Excited...

Next year is going to be amazing. This year was a hard year of changing, and 2009 I'll reap the benefits of all my hard work and pain. I've never been this excited for a new year. I know it will be amazing, all the things I will do..... time for a goal list:

1.) Don't hold myself back, if I want to do something, I'll do it. 

2.) Lose weight, 2009 is the year for a healthy me. 

3.) Create art that I love. 

4.) Have a good time, and stop worrying so much about what might happen.

I hope everyone has a lovely holiday season and a Happy New Year. 

Next Mountain to Climb...

... *deep sigh* I've been all about change this year and I think its time to tackle one more thing this year so that I might be a little bit more balanced adult. This is probably going to be the hardest change for me to make because it isn't something I knowingly do. I have to learn to trust men. There isn't a single guy in my life that hasn't let me down at one time or another. From the time my parents first got divorced down to my most recent heartache I've never trusted a guy to not hurt me. I don't know if it is because of my mothers relationships with men or what exactly, but I know this is something that I need to confront now. I'm not sure how exactly to go about this, so if you have any ideas let me know. 

Well, Glad We Sorted That Out...

and of course by we I mean me. I hate that guys can't be bothered to be put in an awkward conversation. I guess its better this way. I know that you can't have the awkward conversations that so often come up in life, and I know that I shouldn't waste my time pretending you're the one. It wasn't fair to either of us, all it ended up doing was making me waste time and emotions on you. Its not fair for you to be my inspiration for moving forward, that was a lot of pressure.  Glad I was there for you to use. I'll be there when she's gone, to make you feel like an asshole and idiot. Because I am amazing, and I'm getting better each day.  Change is wonderful, you taught me that.  

P.S. This is the official end of my crush.  Go get married like the other did. 

Confusing...

This whole year has been very confusing and I now know what Davey meant when he wrote: "Such Revelations, while understood by no one".   I realize that this blog tends to  be focused more on the relationship part of my revelations, but I'm going to move the emphasis off that part. I feel like I'm going through a lot of changes and that I'm reacting to them in different ways and each time I react I learn something else. Its putting a lot of stress on me, and you can tell that I've seen better days, but I have the distinct feeling that if I can make it through this rough ride, that soon things will be so much better than they ever have been. I started this blog because I was worried about bothering my friends, but I still wanted to get my thoughts out. I've had about 19 views, which isn't much, but its nice to know some one is listening (even if it is just to poke fun at me).  Hopefully, the next blog will be more exciting and less, "here's hoping my life isn't really turning to shit".   Oh, and if there is someone in particular reading this, please feel free to send a quick hello. 

I don't know what happened...

... it seems as if I've turned into this miserable person. I don't know how to get back to the way I was before. I don't want to be the girl I've become, miserable, bursting into tears out of nowhere. I sense that my friends are shying away from me, not because they don't care, but because they don't know what to do, and seeing me in this miserable state worries them. Part of me wonders if I should be committed, no one should be this sad. The glimmer of what was is still there, refusing to let me give up just yet. I've got so much potential, will love be the death of me? I wish I could figure out how to get back to where I was before all this happened. 

Just Like All I Loved, I'm Make-believe

I'm wondering if I made things out to be more than they really were. Now I'm crying over something that never was. I don't understand why I keep doing this to myself. Actually I do, I want love so bad I'm willing to make it up. I'm surrounded by happy couples and it kills me. So I figure if I find someone to have a crush on everything will be better. Not true. I'm trying everything I can to stay composed, but all this hiding of emotions, lonely-ness and jealousy is going to implode soon. 

Love Love Kiss Kiss

This song hits way too close to home. Especially: "All you want is someone there, and all you say is, "So what"; because thats what it seems like I'm doing to myself. I'm trying to convince myself that being single is the best plan for me right now even though I really want nothing more than to have someone special. Another part pulls at my heart strings as well; Well do you find you like to fall in love with people that you're never gonna meet?"  My argument has always been that I'm not staying in Kansas and I'm scared that if I find someone here that I might get stuck here. So I'll pick guy friends off my space and fall for them. I always seem so sure about these guys, but they seem to end up breaking my heart despite the distance. Maybe I should give Kansas guys a chance, although that fear of getting stuck in Kansas is still with me. I'm so lost with this whole subject, I wish someone would come make me believe again. 

Yo-Yo Lifestyles

Lately I've  been feeling like a Yo-Yo, constant ups and downs.  Some days I'm happy and confident, and others I am miserable and picking at myself for every little thing. Today is one of the latter days, I feel that I'm too fat, I'm ugly and that no one likes me because I'm too up front and honest.  It seems everyone is going on with their lives and leaving me behind. Like in those videos where people are blurring past, but there is one person in the center just standing there. That's me, the girl standing in the middle looking scared and confused. I know that the only thing I can do is pick myself up and not let it get to me. I just need to create my own blur. I can start eating right again, and exercising. I can go to the doctor to get back on my medicine to get rid of my acne, and shut my over analytical mind up. Its true that I'm my worst enemy, its time I nip this in the bud, before it gets worse. 

So Much Free Time, So Many Thoughts...

I'm currently without a job and without a thing to do.  I'm alone for most of the days, and that allows for a lot of time to think. Thinking can be a dangerous practice. Sometimes I can mentally pick at myself until I'm in tears.  Other times I convince myself of things that aren't necessarily true. Lately I've been thinking about relationships a lot. What it takes to have a relationship that works. The first thing I think is that it all starts with a good friendship. If you are good friends everything else is just a bonus on top of the friendship. I can't think of anything better than being in a relationship with my best friend (figuratively speaking, I am not in love with my best friend lol). With a friendship comes the open conversations, honesty, and the give and take that all relationships need to survive. To be honest, I don't even really know why I've been thinking about it so much. I'm single, I have been single for a very long time.  I don't know if I'm just waiting for the right guy, or if perhaps its still not time. I'm waiting, trying to be patient, I know things will work out when its time, but all the waiting is starting to take its toll. I'm terrified that I'm going to be waiting forever. What if prince charming doesn't rescue the princess from the tower? What if all my thoughts mean nothing, just fairy tale ideas that I cling to in order to make it through another day. I'm not the kind of girl to wait for prince charming to rescue me, but rescuing myself leaves me alone. And that is a very scary place to be. 

A Lesson in Punctuation and Fairytales

I realized two things today while watching the Sex and the City movie. 1.) That I am a hopeless romantic and 2.) the difference between . VS ...

The first issue isn't really much of a surprise, ever since I was little I've told people I was a princess and that some day I'd live happily ever after. Now that I'm old enough to know that "happily ever after" doesn't always happen you'd think I'd have lost that dream. Alas, I haven't. Somehow I still think I'm going to end up "happily ever after". Sure, I'm not actually a princess, and there is no perfect prince charming to sweep me off my feet, but thats not my happily ever after. To me the key is in the words themselves, Happily as in being Happy or content; and ever after as in when I'm grown. Sure, part of my little dream includes a guy, but its just someone to grow old with, not a prince. Just someone that loves me enough to be happy with me ever after.

The second part is something I noticed in the movie that I actually do. There is a part where Carrie types the word love in two different ways.

1.) Love.

2.) Love...

It seems simple enough, just a couple of dots added to the second, but those two extra dots add meaning to the word. A single period is final (its just the word period ). However, with the addition of the two extra periods it changes the meaning, there is the word or phrase and the implication there is more. I have noticed that I use the latter a lot. I'm constantly writing words, phrases, and sentences and ending them in...
I thought about it, and I think the reason I use those extra dots is because there is so much of my life that has more coming. I can't just use that definitive period, because so much of my life isn't there yet. Plus those extra dots give me hope, without them I am: Alone. Unemployed. Living with my mom. Still in school.
Those are all very scary things and with the extra periods I am: Alone... for now, Unemployed....at the moment, Living with my mom....until I finish school, still in school....so I can get a job I'll be happy with.

Turning Point

I am currently at a major turning point in my life. The time when I decide what I want to do with my life and make drastic changes to my life to prepare for the future. I'm terrified, but some how I know everything will turn out right. One of the drastic changes I had to make I made today. I quit my job of almost 5 years today. After about a year of being treated like crap, I finally reached my breaking point and I quit. I just have to remind myself that quiting my job is the first step towards my future.

The Silent Die Alone

I just want to make this crystal clear; If you don't talk, no one will hear you. If something is wrong and you don't say a word (be it from fear or because you are trying to protect someone else) no one will come to help. Trillions have died from the mistake of silence (The Holocaust, and the so-called War on Terror). Even on a smaller scale silence can be deadly; it can ruin relationships and destroy families. I once thought my fear of silence was silly, I just hated when it was quiet. However now I'm realizing that the fear of silence is valid and is something every intelligent being should fear. Silence is much deeper than quiet, silence is death.