Cue Sad Trombone Music...

... I've been rather down in the dumps as of late. Its different from past times because I've been upset about life in general rather than my lack of a beau. I watch how so many people take so many things for granted and it is upsetting knowing that I'm trapped here with these people that can't see the good side of anything. What's more is people are using the most precious things as mere game pieces to move themselves either farther or to obtain things. It makes me ill to think of such things, never mind witnessing them. Times are hard, and they will either unravel the strongest seams or they will strengthen them.

Nonsense and Toys...

My favorite things. Lately, well I take that back because that would be false, I think a lot about who I am. I've been told its something that one never stops thinking about, especially those that are constantly creative through some means of art. I've been focusing on self portraits in my painting, picking at myself in my blogs, and diving into my childhood in my photography. All this thinking and creative flow about myself has made me think more (are you still following me on this) and I believe that I need to make a decision. Its clear that in order for any beginning there must first be an end, but I can't seem to decide how I should end this chapter. Should I kill/delete all of what once was, or should I accept that it is just another part of me, embrace it and live happily ever after with that part of me?

Also I'm still asking the why am I alone question despite my best efforts. Andy Warhol says that love is best when you can't have it, or something like that and perhaps he is right, but at the same time I wouldn't mind a bit of heart ache right now, if for no other reason than to get the weirdo buzzards off my back. You know the ones, they cackle "Why isn't she married yet?" "She'll always be around..." "Is she in the closet?" "She's the "uncle mike" of the family" behind my back.

Perhaps I'm just being paranoid, but I swear I hear those cackles and to set the record straight, I'm not married because I thought perhaps I should figure out a little bit about myself before I jumped into a relationship and going to school full time and working almost 40 hours doesn't allow for much time for courtships (do people even do that anymore?). I most certainly will not always be around (unless of course you need me). No I am not gay if I was I am comfortable enough with myself to come out about it. The one about uncle mike always kills me, I feel terrible for him, he's been alone his whole life, but at the same time he seems to be happy so who are they to judge him and make it seem like its a bad thing to be single?!

I think I'm going to start sketching more, keep a book in my large dying hand bag (why isn't pleather stronger?) I've started to write down my notes on printing enlargements and my photos have never looked better. I think I can advance my drawing techniques if I follow through with this plan I have. I stole it from the fauvists I believe, but I have quite the imagination and if I sketch what I see perhaps some good might come from it.

I need to go to bed now, I have an 8am art history class, and I slept through Monday's class.

That was my attempt at stream of consciousness, although it seems more like a river of consciousness.

Goodnight or Good Morning, whichever you prefer.

(also welcome to those new followers, if you read anything from here I appreciate it.)

Fuck Fuck Fuck

I know I kinda already knew this, but some how it kind of just hit me.... All I have is myself to rely on. People are shady and only think of themselves. I am sick and tired of being walked all over and trying to stay positive and think, "hey not all people are bad." Cause it doesn't matter if they intend to be bad or not they will put themselves before anyone else and me not doing the same is leaving me in a shit hole alone. I know I'm tough and can handle most of what life throws at me but FUCK. Could I get a little help here? I'd bend over backwards for others and I generally don't expect much, but when I'm doing backflips for someone it would be nice to have some kind of help.

Missed that...

I read through all of these blogs, and if anyone else actually read all of them, that sucks. Some of these are terrible. Self loathing, why doesn't someone love me.... QUICK SOMEONE CUE THE SAD TROMBONE! Unfortunately for me, and possibly you; while I was busy lost in my mind pouting about being single I was missing great and amazing things happening in my life. Friendships that I know will stand the test of time were being cemented, Decisions were being made that have set me on the path towards my future. Course, this year I've all but forgotten about this blog. I've been happier, but old habits die hard and I still have been clinging to this pairing off thing. Time to do what I actually set out to do, let life happen. If I can accomplish all that I have while I was lost in my own little world, imagine what I could do when I am paying attention.