A letter to the twenty something that wrote this blog

So, I forgot about this blog. for ten years. I wanted to let the girl who wrote those soul baring posts in her twenties to know that she graduated college, got out of her home town, moved to KC, Then Austin, then KC, and is currently looking into buying a home in Portland Oregon. I want her to know she's just a little bit over the weight she was when she wrote these blogs but is the healthiest, both mentally and physically she's ever been. She should know that she has two lovely cats who are just as sassy as she is and a whole garden of plants on her patio, and more inside. She's still friends with her DF buddies (Talks to Jess almost every week) and the list of friends nowhere nearby has grown. Tell her the fun colors are back in her hair(its red now, but the default is usually blue), YES EVEN AT 36, turns out it was never about attention, it was just something that makes us happy. There doesn't need to be another reason for it. She needs to know that life wasn't and isn't easy, but she can trust that she's gonna make it through with strength, humility and grace. That guy she babbled on and on about was terrible, and not stable enough for her. Eventually, She gathered the strenght to say to him "This is the last time I will respond to you, I'm going to go live my life and have fun with my friends, and some day someone is going to find me, and never let me go. Because they'll understand how amazing I truly am." Turns out those were the magic words because, I shit you not, it happened (six months later). FOR THE LOVE OF PIZZA SOMEONE TELL HER THAT PRINCE CHARMING DOES EXIST. He's just dressed as Charlie Brown and is just as ridiculous as she is. That she's been with him for 7 years and he's the most handsome fella she's ever had a crush on. Not only is he cute, but he is a unicorn. Metaphorically of course, He pushes for a better version of himself and gently nudges her to do the same. He makes sure there are always period snacks in the pantry, dances to the weird cat songs they both make up, and loves unconditionally. He works hard so she can stay at home and figure out how to be a witch or stay at home artist or whatever. He has helped her see how great she's been the whole time. But we're lucky we didn't meet in our twenties cause we were both too headstrong. Keep working towards the better version of yourself, there's so much to learn, its going to take a lifetime.

What's that you say?

Sorry I've neglected this lovely blog, it appears that being a senior in college is actually a lot harder than the rest of college is and I've been unable to pry myself away from my homework or the chair in which I fall asleep in every night whilst working on my homework. I was only able to write this blog because of an issue that has bothered me so much I simply cannot concentrate on my homework until something is said about the matter.

I have been told me that my portfolio lacks direction.

Now, this is the same person that told me that I often decide on a composition for a photograph and then stick to that composition until I get it exactly how I pictured it in my head, not allowing for the piece to form naturally and possibly ruling out better options. I adjusted my last project for that class to be completely unplanned and it worked quite splendidly. However it seems this final semester my professor requested that I create one large series of photographs which all surround one concept. Now my mind runs in too much a dizzying fashion to stick to one genre like 20 landscapes. Therefore I have concocted a plan to do both exactly what she asks and exactly what she asks I not do. What is this mad plan you might be asking yourself?
Well I am going to attempt to capture people I know (through the lens, not actually kidnapping) in such a manner that you, the viewer will get a sense of what that person is like. This is the common theme, and the great thing about it is that it does not limit me to one specific genre, I will of course be shooting portraits but I also will take photos of their things, places they live and thrive in, work at and them doing things they love to do.

So I choose every direction for the direction of my portfolio and for this series in particular.

I plan on posting the photos on here if I can find a scanner large enough for the prints (For those of you who don't know I work predominately in the color dark room with 35mm negatives) so keep an eye out for the first 5 photos from the series very soon :)

Right Now Millions of SIngle People...

... are sitting at home preparing for a day full of insults. Normally I try my best to not be one of the stereotypical angry single people. However I heard a comment from one of my friends that set me off and there's no turning back now.
We were discussing a guy that she had decided wasn't worth dating, she said: " Well I knew something was wrong, he's 29 and still single." (In her defense this guy had a girlfriend and was looking to cheat on his girlfriend with my friend, unbeknownst to my friend that he was in a relationship)
So my dear friends let me ask you this: Why, why exactly does there have to be something wrong with a single person? And why does it make you so uncomfortable that I am perfectly fine being single? How can I make it more comfortable for you? Would you like me to tell you that I aspire to become a stereotypical cat lady; live alone with my 12.5 cats and stay at home on the weekends? Would you prefer that I find the nearest person and beg them to be with me so that I may relieve you of your discomfort with my relationship status?
What people need to realize is that sometimes being single is not due to the fact that there is something wrong. And in all honesty who can really say that there isn't something wrong with themselves? We're all mad here.

Independence

Today is independence day and with our country in an economic depression, BP destroying one of our coasts and our country still denying its people basic rights I've been asking myself are we really free? This isn't about left or right, liberal or conservative, Republican or Democrat, this is about the UNITED States of America and its people, all of them.
Most of us are being terribly lazy. We are allowing corporations to take over and misuse our land (BP isn't the only company doing this). Greed and convenience are the weapons of choice with these corporations use so that they can monopolize the economy. Now I'm not going to pretend I'm into economics because I'm not, but I do know that when this country got its start we made everything we needed here. The founding settlers worked hard and earned each cent they got, and there wasn't a wal-mart in every town, just little small businesses where the food came from the local farmer down the street. We need to take back our businesses from large corporations, and our jobs from China. I want to see made in the USA stickers on everything, not made in China stickers.
This isn't just about the economy, its about our people. The way we are treating the people in our country is disgusting. Who are we to decide who can marry whom? I know how I define love but I also know that there is no set definition of what love is and that each person defines it differently. Government has no business telling people who they can marry. (and it has nothing to do with your religion either.) Whatever happened to taking care of each other? You can tell about the character of a country by how it treats its poor. Thousands, if not millions of people are with out health care, shelter and food. Our country is making budget cuts in all the wrong places, cutting education cost is not making a smart investment in our future its writing a death sentence. If you don't invest in the knowledge of our youth then we have no future.

I love my country, and for the most part (even though I swear I don't like people) most people here are pretty fucking fantastic. We just need to stop being lazy and make our voices heard. If you're not already registered to vote, do it now (here's the website to do it: http://www.fec.gov/votregis/vr.shtml) I know politics is dirty, and terrible to keep up with, but if you don't then they will continue the path of greed we're on. If you are registered to vote make sure you actually go out and vote. I am 25 and haven't missed a chance to vote once. Vote in local elections as city and county officials are more likely to listen to you directly than any other elected official, vote in state elections and email them about issues you are concerned about, someone in their offices is reading all those emails. Try to buy things made in the USA, or if you can go even more local than that check the labels and find the closest place to where you live. The closer it was made the fresher it is, the more likely it helped your local economy and the less fuel was use to transport it. Support local businesses. Shop at local shops, eat at local restaurants. We can turn things around, we just need to stop being so lazy and know that every little step you take is a step in the right direction and all those steps combined will make a huge impact.

It starts and ends with me

Friday was the first full day in a long time that I really felt like me. I fixed my hair, got all dolled up in my best Social Distortion shirt and jeans and went and made art with my friend Robyn. Then we went out and enjoyed the local gallery crawl. I knew the whole time that this is how I am supposed to be enjoying my time in art school, not the drone like state that I've been in. I realized today that I need to make this happen everyday. I'm wandering around aimlessly, miserible just settling. I'm letting what happened to me control me. Friday I took control and felt the best I've felt all year. I was listening to The 11th hour by Rancid today and heard that lyric and knew that I needed to take back my life. Sounds corny, I don't care. So now begins the process of taking back my life. Now is the perfect time as I have nothing left to lose.

Who Are You?

Oh existentialism. I haven't visited this blog in quite a while because life got busy. I am now moving from my home of 8 years into a temporary home so that I may finally finish my Bachelor's of Art degree and then move on to grad school. The past 5 months have been some of the most trying for myself personally than I can ever recall. I move in to my new temporary home on Saturday and the whole moving thing has really got me thinking about who I am and who I will become. I've never really had much direction as far as the future is concerned I've always just been one to take opportunities that rise and let everything fall into place. I seem to stumble into great things, and not that I'm complaining but I'm starting to wonder if perhaps I should try and plan things a bit more. I mean what if my luck runs out? I'm lucky I got that scholarship otherwise I wouldn't have gone to college at all; I'm lucky boss switched jobs and offered me a job on the spot when I abruptly quit my first job, I'm lucky I was in the room when my mentor mentioned she needed an intern, and most of all I'm lucky my best friend's mother likes me enough to let me live in her basement when I had nowhere to live. That's a lot of luck for a girl to have in a lifetime, but I wonder is it karma? I've always tried to be polite and take the "high road" in life, are all of these fortunate things because of my efforts? or is it simply just dumb luck?
Regardless of which one it is, I will continue to try my best to be a good person and to be honest its really the only thing I remember about myself. It seems that somewhere between January 2009 and May 2010 I have forgotten who I am. I've started to do things out of convenience rather than because I wanted to do them. My wardrobe has shifted from things that I actually like to things that are on trend because my boss likes it when we dress on trend. My eating habits shifted from being somewhat healthy to finding whatever was fastest. My art has suffered greatly because I don't feel connected to it, all I feel is pressure to get it done on time.
I feel like Saturday is my chance, my chance to rediscover me. I'll have a month and a half off before school starts back up and I'm going to use that time to reconnect with myself, and my art. No more worrying about other people and holding myself up to them in comparison, there are no comparisons, just individuals trying to make the best out of what was given to them. I'm also going to attempt to stop holding myself back. All too often I feel myself holding back because I'm afraid of what will happen if I become successful. This has to end. Another thing I remember about myself is that I don't settle for less than exactly what I want. I need to take the steps in order to get what I want, and stop being so afraid of possibly living happily ever after.

'Fraidy Cat

There is only one thing I'm more afraid of then being alone forever, being with someone that isn't right for me forever. I just realized this as I was pouting about the most recent denial. I was blogging on my myspace (which is becoming more and more like a ghost town every second) when I finally realized it. I had decided that it was once again time to crawl back into the center of focus that has almost become my escape from the harsh world. I see the very apparent danger all too clearly now, I'm desperate for someone to hold me, for someone to tell me they love me and mean it, but I am more afraid of someone taking advantage of my vulnerability than I am desperate. It leaves me trapped spinning in circles in the line, never reaching to the actual roller coaster. I've always felt the only way to over come one's fears was to acknowledge them and then confront them. This is a bit more straight forward than I would like to be, but I feel like if I continue to force myself to think through these emotions the braver I'll become and the sooner I'll get myself so dizzy I'll have to stop and realize that I'm still waiting in line. Hopefully there will be someone brave enough to go on the ride ahead with me.