It starts and ends with me

Friday was the first full day in a long time that I really felt like me. I fixed my hair, got all dolled up in my best Social Distortion shirt and jeans and went and made art with my friend Robyn. Then we went out and enjoyed the local gallery crawl. I knew the whole time that this is how I am supposed to be enjoying my time in art school, not the drone like state that I've been in. I realized today that I need to make this happen everyday. I'm wandering around aimlessly, miserible just settling. I'm letting what happened to me control me. Friday I took control and felt the best I've felt all year. I was listening to The 11th hour by Rancid today and heard that lyric and knew that I needed to take back my life. Sounds corny, I don't care. So now begins the process of taking back my life. Now is the perfect time as I have nothing left to lose.

Who Are You?

Oh existentialism. I haven't visited this blog in quite a while because life got busy. I am now moving from my home of 8 years into a temporary home so that I may finally finish my Bachelor's of Art degree and then move on to grad school. The past 5 months have been some of the most trying for myself personally than I can ever recall. I move in to my new temporary home on Saturday and the whole moving thing has really got me thinking about who I am and who I will become. I've never really had much direction as far as the future is concerned I've always just been one to take opportunities that rise and let everything fall into place. I seem to stumble into great things, and not that I'm complaining but I'm starting to wonder if perhaps I should try and plan things a bit more. I mean what if my luck runs out? I'm lucky I got that scholarship otherwise I wouldn't have gone to college at all; I'm lucky boss switched jobs and offered me a job on the spot when I abruptly quit my first job, I'm lucky I was in the room when my mentor mentioned she needed an intern, and most of all I'm lucky my best friend's mother likes me enough to let me live in her basement when I had nowhere to live. That's a lot of luck for a girl to have in a lifetime, but I wonder is it karma? I've always tried to be polite and take the "high road" in life, are all of these fortunate things because of my efforts? or is it simply just dumb luck?
Regardless of which one it is, I will continue to try my best to be a good person and to be honest its really the only thing I remember about myself. It seems that somewhere between January 2009 and May 2010 I have forgotten who I am. I've started to do things out of convenience rather than because I wanted to do them. My wardrobe has shifted from things that I actually like to things that are on trend because my boss likes it when we dress on trend. My eating habits shifted from being somewhat healthy to finding whatever was fastest. My art has suffered greatly because I don't feel connected to it, all I feel is pressure to get it done on time.
I feel like Saturday is my chance, my chance to rediscover me. I'll have a month and a half off before school starts back up and I'm going to use that time to reconnect with myself, and my art. No more worrying about other people and holding myself up to them in comparison, there are no comparisons, just individuals trying to make the best out of what was given to them. I'm also going to attempt to stop holding myself back. All too often I feel myself holding back because I'm afraid of what will happen if I become successful. This has to end. Another thing I remember about myself is that I don't settle for less than exactly what I want. I need to take the steps in order to get what I want, and stop being so afraid of possibly living happily ever after.